I genuinely imagined I would never have to give another moment's thought to Scott Morrison, former Prime Minister. But here we are, three months after the election the Coalition lost, and my goodness, he's taking up more attention than ever.
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Turns out Morrison may not be able to hold a hose but he can hold six, yeah six, portfolios at once, that is if you include his real job, that of being Prime Minister of Australia. Colleagues have described it as secretly seizing control.
It might have been more portfolios. He may remember another three or four in the next few days. I'm terrified he was secretly the minister for foreign affairs and he's annexed New Zealand without telling anyone. Anyhow, even with the ones we know about meant he was holding a lot of responsibility where none was apparent before.
You will also all know by now Morrison's colleagues are pissed at him, in particular Karen Andrews who was telling anyone who would listen earlier this week that she felt betrayed and wanted him gone (seriously, in terms of entertainment, an excellent replacement for Neighbours. Colleagues, everybody needs good colleagues.).
This behaviour really is vintage Morrison. A man who never shared with anyone what the hell he was doing. It is a mere hop from refusing to tell anyone he was ducking off to Hawaii to silently taking on the responsibilities for nearly the entire ministry (not the ministry for women, obviously, although he could easily have asked his wife, Jenny, for advice on that one). These things are similar actions. Morrison is the three (not so) wise monkeys: see nothing, do nothing and very very much, say nothing. And with that trilogy, let's look at another: Scott Morrison's past, his present and his future, including any legacy.
He had an unusual departure from Tourism Australia. He managed to roll the person who had been preselected in the seat of Cook. He was treasurer, he backstabbed former prime minister Malcolm Turnbull, he forgot to order enough vaccines during the height of the pandemic and protected his mate Christian Porter from any serious inquires in the matter of alleged sexual assault. Plus, Hawaii.
Earlier this year, Morrison gave an interview where he was asked about his legacy. He rejected contemplating any such thing.
"It's just not how I think about things," he told Deborah Snow.
"When prime ministers think about their legacies, they stop thinking about today and what they have to do now ... Legacies can be very vain. You do the job ... and you don't want to waste a day."
Which may be all very well and good but here was a man who at the very time of giving that interview was also talking to two journalists, Simon Benson and Geoff Chambers, for their book. He told them about the extra ministries but not his colleagues. So Here we are, a few days out from the Book of Revelations, otherwise known as Plagued, and we discover he was thinking about his legacy after all.
So what's in the former prime minister's present? On Wednesday, Morrison gave an astonishing press conference where it was clear he saw himself very differently to the way the rest of us saw him, more word chutney than genuine communication. Where we saw a megalomaniac who conceived of himself as having all the responsibility all the time, he saw himself as the captain on a ship in the middle of a tempest.
Apparently we were just bystanders waiting to be saved. Now, he's all "nothing to see here" unless you want to see a quiet Australian who did what he thought was necessary to protect the national interest.
Honestly, I was transfixed by his self-confidence, shaken only momentarily by AAP reporter Farid Farid who calmly set up his question on emergency powers to Morrison, "You've met some dictators, shook hands with them, you understand it's a slippery slope when you use the term emergency powers ... " before being interrupted by an enraged member for Cook shouting: "Not in this country, not in this country."
So much shouting. The current Prime Minister articulated what the rest of us who watched the train wreck were thinking: "Scott Morrison was evasive, he was defensive, he was passive aggressive, and of course he was self-serving."
Always.
So will Morrison resign? Doesn't look like he has to but what does the future hold for a failed prime minister?
Marian Baird, professor of gender and employment relations at the University of Sydney, says Morrison has "zero chance of board or senior executive appointments unless with some religious group".
But two former headhunters are less bearish about his future (while at the same time reluctant to comment specifically on Scott Morrison), Katie Lahey and Robert Webster.
Webster says politicians can have a life after politics so long as they decide they really are out of politics, otherwise it's a future as a commentator or lobbyist. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
"Don't answer calls from [journalists], don't make comments on your colleagues' performance." He's quite optimistic about Morrison's future: "This [current fracas] won't hinder him for long," says Webster.
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And Katie Lahey reminds me Morrison did things before politics. Those are the ones who can make the tidy exit, the Gladys Berejiklians, the Mike Bairds. The issue around secret portfolios?
She says it's a bubble thing (although my brief and unscientific survey of non-journalist/non-politician friends tells me they all know about it).
As to Morrison's future, the title of former PM is important. Morrison could go on the speakers' circuit, says Lahey.
"But there has to be a bit of distance between an outgoing politician and their next career move so people can evaluate and re-evaluate their contributions."
So that's the future. And for Scott Morrison, the future can't come fast enough.
- Jenna Price is a visiting fellow at the Australian National University and a regular columnist.